The stress of thinking...

Today has felt as grey as it looks outside. The rain like tears falling from the sky. I feel like today has been a day of sadness, and self hate. I don't know what it is, why I feel like everything and everyone is either out to get me, or waiting to yell at me for something. I spent the day hanging on my own, spending time by myself. It was relaxing, but it gave me too much time to think. 

One thing about me is i hate to be left to my own thoughts. I always feel like my brain leads to always thinking negatively. I feel like I constantly go into those patters where I remember everything that is going wrong, what I should have said to someone; mainly I just overload my brain with information that I cannot change and that is only stressing me out. I'm one of those people who loses sleep at night because my brain wont stop running. 

I tend to have to keep myself busy to refrain from "thinking." If I let my brain wander It will bring me down or frustrate me. I get stressed out easily, and it brings me down and puts me in the most awful moods. Overthinking is probably why I like to sleep so much, it keeps me from thinking. I know it sounds ridiculous, but thats how my life goes. Because of this disfunction I have I HATE driving for long distances alone... it gives me wayyyyy to much time to think. 

While I was having my day to myself I was left with too much thinking time... I went into a bookstore while I was killing time between places I had to be. Going though the bookstore I went up and down the aisles looking at what they had, seeing if anything caught my eye. I got to the section of test prep books: SATs, ACTs, LSATs, and the GRE... The GRE is a test that you have to take before getting into graduate school. Graduate school is something that has been haunting me for the past year, and will continue to haunt me until graduation in the spring. This stupid test is scary because I need a good score to even think about graduate school. Grad school is something I NEED to do and want to do, but I am not sure if i'll be able to do. 

Looking at these damn books got me worked up in thought... 

I contemplated purchasing one, but knew just seeing it in my room would work me up. It became the frustration of my thoughts for the rest of the evening. Hard to believe one test could be so stressful... School is stressful. One more year of college. Then I get to worry about getting a job, or going to school for another two years... Ugh. Being an adult BLOWS!!!!!! 

PPPS

I'm so sick of all these back to school commercials... I still have a month, I don't need the reminder about classes starting up.