LOVE for ALL

Yesterday I spent the day celebrating love in the heart of Indianapolis, Indy Pride. I have attended the parade and festival every year for the past four years. I go because I love the culture and support the LGBT community as an Ally. The night before the parade I went to the local Gay bar Greggs: Our Place, in downtown Indianapolis. This is a club I attend quite frequently with friends. I enjoy going for more reasons that dancing and having a few drinks with friends. Before I turned 21 I would often travel with friends two hours away to Club Masque in Dayton Ohio. These are just a few fun places I have attended and every night I have spent at these bars I have been welcome even though I am

straight.

Those who accept one another is something we have found to be uncommon quite too frequently. I cried this morning as I listened to the news of those who lost their lives at Pulse Night Club in Orlando Florida. I have become enraged since Donald Trump took this as a time to blame Islamic Terrorism for such behavior. Those who spread hate are the ones to blame. Just because an Islamic man committed these heinous crimes does not speak for all Islamic people.

I do not hate the man who committed these crimes, I feel bad for him. He was another person in our society who has been victim to hate and lack of understanding. His heritage is unrelated to his felonies. We cannot change these people by continuing to spread negative thoughts and ideas about other humans. People preach and spew words from the bible and use it against those who they choose to not take the time to understand. We often forget important ideas like loving our neighbor and accepting those for who they are.

I am a firm believer that God loves everyone, regardless of his or her gender, sexual preference, or race. He created everyone in his own image and will continue to love us, regardless if we cannot love each other. We can blame races, political parties, religions, and communities all we want. In the end we are continuing these awful stereotypes and keeping hate alive. We need to quit blaming others and start educating them. Our world cannot continue this way, and we must make an example of these events. As tragic as they are we must begin to abolish hate and spread love. Love for those who are unlike us, those who are misunderstood, and those who are uneducated on the topic.

I pray for the families affected by this terrible act of HATE, and I pray that we can grow stronger as a community of humans rather than individuals clinging to our beliefs that everyone must be a certain way. I urge people to start learning acceptance and take time to understand one another before these events become more frequent.  

Photo I took from my first INDY Pride!

Bags for Bridesmaids!

Getting married is full of preparations, things to plan, purchase, and so on. It is beyond important to remember all those who are going to be there for you on your special day! I put together some great bags for the girls who were gracious enough to put up with me as I get ready to walk down the aisle. Although I would spare no expense for these ladies, there are six of them, and I put together what I think is a great gift for relatively cheap!

(I found everything that went inside the bags at The Christmas Tree Shops)

The Lot (kitten not included)

Step one: Some useful and fun items to get them though the big day! 

I purchased most of the items in the travel section of the CTS. Hair ties, Chap Stick, Hair Pins, and a Q-tip container to put it all in. I have six bridesmaids, 3 Blondes, and 3 Brunettes. I was able to divi up the hair ties, and the pins tend to be okay in a mid color for both hair colors. 

I put in two shades of hair ties, and one chapstick per container. (If you wanna splurge you could also get EOS lip balms, but they wouldn't fit in the containers so I passed). I also added Cotton swabs for makeup removal (or ear cleaning) WHICHEVER!!! 

I just tied a small elastic around the hair pins to keep them from being messy in the container. 

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Step Two: FUN CUPS

Like a majority of weddings these days we are having ours in a barn, and nothing says barn wedding like MASON JARS. (I LIKE BALL Brand BEST. Ball State (CHIRP CHIRP))

And nothing says "fun girly cup" like a tumbler! 

SO I merged the two! 

I was able to find a set of two floral screw on tops with straws, so I bought three packs of those, and 6 Ball Jars to complete my drinkage! (Make sure when purchasing these lids that you buy the same type of jars. These jars come in wide mouth, the ones above are standard.)

The finished tumbler with a little pink bow added!
Perfect for Sweet Tea, Pink Lemonade, or a Long Island! 

Some other useful items included are WET brushes which I personally swear by! These are great additions because who doesn't need a hair brush! Also I put in a travel package of tissues for those tears that are bound to be shed when they realize I'm married and tied down for the rest of forever!

I Purchased these personalized canvas bags online at Weddingbags.com for roughly 15$ a piece and free shipping on 100$ orders.



                                            

              The finished bags! 

PARANOID (The Spotlight Effect)

In psychology there is an idea referred to as “The Spotlight Effect” and it suggests the idea that we feel like people are noticing something about us that may not be as big of a deal as we perceive. It’s most common in teenagers. An example is if we have a blemish on our face we feel like that is the only thing people are noticing about us. Basically we feel we are the center of attention, and everyone is noticing our downfalls.

I’ve always been one who suffers from this, it borderlines paranoia.

(Disclaimer: I’m not unhappy with my job, or those I work for. This is my personality, and an interpretation of my feelings. That being said, this is my safe place. I would love if those who read this post do not judge my work abilities on my personal feelings. But then again, you have the ability to make your own opinions.)

In my current position as an ABA therapist I’ve been given lots of feedback, which is great! Regardless if it’s good or bad I really do appreciate it. The problem is I don’t feel like a few of my higher ups like me. This results in feeling like I’m always being judged and talked about. I constantly feel like they think I’m doing something wrong, or taking notes on every mistake I make.

I know it seems beyond silly, but its so frustrating to feel like I’m the one they question, and no matter what I do It’s probably not good enough. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I shouldn’t work with certain clients I have, or I should just quit because they think I’m incompetent.

The main issue, about me, that I feel is getting targeted is my personality. It’s almost like being discriminated against because I’m honest, loud, and open. I say what I’m feeling and don’t tip toe around the harsh realities of my job. I realize complaining is never good, but sometimes you need to share how you’re feeling, and that seems to be frowned upon in my place of business.

Many of the people I work with seem to be in the happiest moods 24/7 regardless of what is happening to them, and if I’m having a bad day/feeling stressed, I wear that emotion on my face. I can’t be 100% all day everyday, and that seems to be a big ole negative towards me as an employee.

Even the small “appreciative” words I get often feel like a backhanded slap. Like “you really do care about XYZ, and are doing your best…” That is by no means a quote, but an interpretation of words that come off to be a bit sour. Or when people randomly show up while you’re working with no given reason its obvious they are critiquing you because of something going on. A big thing I have in my mindset is to be told why you are watching me and not be crept on when something is being questioned. I understand all things are being checked up on for the good of the business and those I work with/for. Regardless of my low standing on the totem pole it’s common courtesy to not have someone just jump in and watch you work with no explanation as to why they are there.

I suppose I need a WHOLE lot of reassurance from those who do need to judge me to some degree. When I was in college if I had a bad professor I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with them in a few months and all would be good. When it comes to managers or bosses it’s a pretty permanent situation until one of you leaves the company.

In the grand scheme I know that not everyone is putting his or her full attention on me, but when your confidence has been broken in the past it does require some building back up…. Something I unfortunately haven’t received. (I’m not asking to be babied or have my hand held with compliments at every turn.)

I’ve done my best to just remember I’m there for the kids I work with, and regardless what others think about me as a person I’m not there for them, I’m there to better my clients. I continue to score GREAT on my client specific evaluations, which shows I am actually doing what I am supposed to. I always seek out answers when I have questions, so I’m doing what I can, I just hope that these efforts are being positively translated so I can get to a point where I don’t feel so WATCHED (paranoid).

Go FUND yourself!

Things that tend to be popular now that we live in a world of the Internet are cat pictures and people begging for money. I’m getting very sick of the garbage people are putting up on these “GO FUND ME” pages. I understand everyone falls on tough times, but c’mon. If you have the ability to post on a website for money, clearly life isn’t all that bad.

I have ran across some real good ones in the past few years, and without naming any names I am beyond appalled at what people will ask for from strangers over the internet. People asking for money to fund things that are NOT necessary and NOT other people’s problem. The only ways to typically justify these pages are for medical needs or charity (but not the charity of ones wallet).

A few months, or maybe years ago, a girl I went to high school with made one of these pages because she needed to buy a car and get an apartment that was safe for her and her child to live in. Not to be rude, but how about instead of asking for money you get your butt off the internet and get a job to put down payments on these things and take care of yourself.

I feel like I’m about to go on a welfare rant, but why should other people be responsible for taking care of you when you are beyond capable of taking care of yourself. The craziest part is these people who “need money” have the ability to post on the internet with their phones/computers to create these pages in which they can now beg for funds that they are too lazy to earn on their own.

I recently came across a page where the family is asking for a start on a new car so they could both have one… SOOOOO I realize it’s more convenient to have two vehicles, but if you can’t afford it on your own it sounds like you should wait until you can. You are already more well off than a good portion of the world. I understand it may not be convenient only have one car, but it’s a lot easier to make a few extra trips with one car than it is to walk.

All in all I feel that these sites should be reserved for those who actually need assistance for medical bills or fallen family members. I do have one thing that I should mention, regardless of the obscene reasons for these pages; at least the people are honest about what they are asking for. Embarrassing, but at least they aren’t pretending they are paying for their child’s intensive surgery. They are being straightforward about their needs and letting people know “Hey we are already making it fine, but we would like to live in luxury, give us your hard earned money!”

She won't see me walk down the Aisle...

On December 30^th 2009 this is what I posted to Facebook.

Fast forward to now, I am two graduations down and one wedding ahead of me. It hasn’t been all bad, but I have yet to struggle with one of the biggest issues I have yet to face when it comes to my mothers involvement in a big part of my life along with her lack of sight. I keep reminding myself it could be worse, at least she is here for my big day, and can still hear the vows.

(Side note I am in public writing this holding back every emotion so I can look like a sane individual!)

This is difficult on multiple levels. My mother has never seen my fiancé, she only knows his soul, and luckily he has won her over. She has turned down all invites to my dress fittings because she doesn’t want to be a “bother” since she cannot see. She hasn’t been apart of any of the planning I’ve done in preparation, no wedding venue visits, bridesmaid’s dresses, or tastings.  I know it pains her not be a part of these events because she cannot be present in an aspect she was use to for the first 47 years of her life.

I cant help but tear up over the fact she will not see me walk down the aisle, she will not see my dress, and she will not see our first kiss as husband and wife. This is coming off extremely selfish, but its hurtful because I know she’s hurt that she is missing out. Ever since I received the news that she was blind these thoughts have loomed over me.

I’m taking extra percussions to assure she can get the most out of this day with what senses she still has. If I can’t find a microphone and speaker to use while saying my vows I will put her right next to the preacher so she can hear every word. I am trying to remember this is not just a day for me, but also a celebration of my parents giving me away to Matthew.

She may be blind, but she will still feel my dress, hear my vows, and smell my bouquet. Knowing she is still with me is a blessing, she is super strong, and I know she will be happy about my big day regardless of what she can (in this case can’t) see.

5 Months Before losing her sight

It makes me want so badly to remind those of you whose mothers (and fathers)

are in good health to take advantage of everything they will get to experience in your life. Although my mom couldn’t see me walk across the stage at both my high school and college graduation she listened HARD to hear my name. I know her physical presence is better than none at all, and for that I am extremely grateful.

I cannot stress enough how people take their parents and loved ones for granted; I know I did. It all boils down to the good ole saying “ you don’t know what you have till its gone.” If anything I hope this post gives readers a reminder to cherish the simple things in life that God blesses us with.

I was bullied by a teacher!

I was talking to one of my best friends the other day and we got to talk about something that brought up a random old thought. She has been subbing at the schools in her area and mentioned how some teachers follow suit and will essentially bully the students who they don’t have faith in. I was astonished by the fact a professional would act that way to kids who were in elementary school. Then I remembered something that happened to me, which had me question my astonishment.

A teacher never perpetually bullied me, but I did have a teacher who managed to embarrass me and make me feel horrible about myself in the seventh grade. It was my history teacher, and it was super weird that she felt the need to do this.

I don’t remember the exact assignment, but we had to draw the country of Africa over and over and label areas… I was lazy and did no take my time tracing the picture; it wasn’t the assignment to do so. I just drew the basic shape, free hand, to the best of my ability to complete the assignment. (I’m not an artist).  Apparently this was comical to my teacher and she felt the need to make it an example, I never knew what the example was except to make me feel bad.

I remember walking from math class to wait for a friend to leave her first period history class and this kid walks out and stops me and says “nice drawings!” I was confused by the comment.. I was quickly filled in by my friend on our way to science. She mentioned that our teacher had shown her entire first period class my worksheet and made a comment that the drawings were not very good. I was upset to say the least. That same kid who made the comment was also in our science class and continued to make comments that did not make me feel better about the situation.

Later that day I finally reached her fourth period class and was one of the first in the room. She comes up to me and says, “So I’m sure you’ve heard I’ve been showing everyone your assignment?” I immediately broke down crying. (I was, and still am, super sensitive.) I was hurt that she not only made a joke of my homework in front of the entire class, but that she brought it up to me like it was funny. She then told me to go ahead and go to the bathroom and come back when I was feeling better.

 

I came back a few minutes after the bell and took my seat and she started her fourth and last discussion of the day about my homework. And after she was done she set the paper on my desk and handed me a starburst for “being a good sport.” It felt like a giant slap in the face, and I was beyond hurt and embarrassed by the whole ordeal. I was also 13, so that wasn’t helpful to my self-esteem.

Looking back now if that happened to me on such a bologna assignment I would laugh it off and make a joke of it. But at thirteen having people make jokes about it to me during other classes before even knowing what I was up against blew my mind. I don’t know if the teacher meant to be mean, I’m sure she didn’t but I would think a teacher would be more sensitive to student about such a topic… Maybe she thought I would react differently, but I was bullied a bit back then, nothing too major just about acne, and middle school stuff like that… regardless it was pretty rude of her, and something to this day I remember.  That says a lot about what a teacher can do to “bully” a student… Or at least make them feel like crap. Teachers should be people who you can trust, not someone who makes you feel like a target of jokes.

Regardless if she had no ill intentions kids took the reigns and made me the butt of their jokes over the situation.