PARANOID (The Spotlight Effect)

In psychology there is an idea referred to as “The Spotlight Effect” and it suggests the idea that we feel like people are noticing something about us that may not be as big of a deal as we perceive. It’s most common in teenagers. An example is if we have a blemish on our face we feel like that is the only thing people are noticing about us. Basically we feel we are the center of attention, and everyone is noticing our downfalls.

I’ve always been one who suffers from this, it borderlines paranoia.

(Disclaimer: I’m not unhappy with my job, or those I work for. This is my personality, and an interpretation of my feelings. That being said, this is my safe place. I would love if those who read this post do not judge my work abilities on my personal feelings. But then again, you have the ability to make your own opinions.)

In my current position as an ABA therapist I’ve been given lots of feedback, which is great! Regardless if it’s good or bad I really do appreciate it. The problem is I don’t feel like a few of my higher ups like me. This results in feeling like I’m always being judged and talked about. I constantly feel like they think I’m doing something wrong, or taking notes on every mistake I make.

I know it seems beyond silly, but its so frustrating to feel like I’m the one they question, and no matter what I do It’s probably not good enough. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I shouldn’t work with certain clients I have, or I should just quit because they think I’m incompetent.

The main issue, about me, that I feel is getting targeted is my personality. It’s almost like being discriminated against because I’m honest, loud, and open. I say what I’m feeling and don’t tip toe around the harsh realities of my job. I realize complaining is never good, but sometimes you need to share how you’re feeling, and that seems to be frowned upon in my place of business.

Many of the people I work with seem to be in the happiest moods 24/7 regardless of what is happening to them, and if I’m having a bad day/feeling stressed, I wear that emotion on my face. I can’t be 100% all day everyday, and that seems to be a big ole negative towards me as an employee.

Even the small “appreciative” words I get often feel like a backhanded slap. Like “you really do care about XYZ, and are doing your best…” That is by no means a quote, but an interpretation of words that come off to be a bit sour. Or when people randomly show up while you’re working with no given reason its obvious they are critiquing you because of something going on. A big thing I have in my mindset is to be told why you are watching me and not be crept on when something is being questioned. I understand all things are being checked up on for the good of the business and those I work with/for. Regardless of my low standing on the totem pole it’s common courtesy to not have someone just jump in and watch you work with no explanation as to why they are there.

I suppose I need a WHOLE lot of reassurance from those who do need to judge me to some degree. When I was in college if I had a bad professor I knew I wouldn’t have to deal with them in a few months and all would be good. When it comes to managers or bosses it’s a pretty permanent situation until one of you leaves the company.

In the grand scheme I know that not everyone is putting his or her full attention on me, but when your confidence has been broken in the past it does require some building back up…. Something I unfortunately haven’t received. (I’m not asking to be babied or have my hand held with compliments at every turn.)

I’ve done my best to just remember I’m there for the kids I work with, and regardless what others think about me as a person I’m not there for them, I’m there to better my clients. I continue to score GREAT on my client specific evaluations, which shows I am actually doing what I am supposed to. I always seek out answers when I have questions, so I’m doing what I can, I just hope that these efforts are being positively translated so I can get to a point where I don’t feel so WATCHED (paranoid).