Sleeping is stressful...

I know I’m not alone when I say I have difficulties sleeping at night, many people suffer from insomnia, bad dreams, and skewed sleep schedules. Something I have struggled with for years are dreams about working. No matter what jobs I’ve held I dream about being at work and it is always the most stressful of situations that I am forced to deal with in real life re-imagined by my mind into even more un-manageable nightmares.

These dreams first occurred when I was seventeen and working at the local tanning salon where I lived in Florida. I would be sleeping and think there were customers in my room and I would be sitting up in bed talking to my regulars trying to sell them lotions and put them in tanning beds…. These were the most mild, they were most stressful because they woke me up and I felt like I was ignoring people if I didn’t do anything.

These dreams grew exponentially worse when I began serving in College. The dreams were not waking me up, but they were stressful situations such as not being able to greet my tables, getting double sat, having issues ringing in food and not being able to find what I needed (basically taking FOREVER)! The problem with these dreams is they stressed me out in my sleep and kept me from feeling rested the next day. I still continue to have these dreams even though I work that position part time.

The dreams are becoming terrible at my current job too. I currently work as an ABA therapist helping children who have autism. I was up majority of my night last night thinking I was trying to provide services to one of my clients. It was at the point where I was half awake moving stuff in my bed and thinking the child was in front of me. I’ve even been having dreams about kids I don’t work with directly, hearing their screams or behaviors and feeling stressed that there is nothing I can seem to do to fix it.

Part of this job requires me to correct bad behaviors such as children voiding themselves or engaging in aggression/destruction. It is already difficult some days to deal with it in person, but dreams always seem to feel like I’m trudging through quick sand and unable to move fast enough. I’m not sure how to go about correcting this issue, but I am willing to try anything.

Part of me knows I take my positions seriously, if I didn’t it wouldn’t bother me when these things were going on, but that is the difference between me and someone who just does their job for money.

Recently I’ve been planning my wedding for next May, holding two jobs (for no good reason), and trying to make time for everyone in my life. I don’t remember a weekend I haven’t been on the move. Working roughly 7 Days a week for 60ish hours really makes me tired, but being unable to have restful sleep is making it even harder. I know I’ll finally catch a break where I’m not doing anything for a few hours and eventually feel bored, but for now I feel like I’m moving at 100 MPH and still not being able to breathe.  I haven’t even had time to keep up on my blog/youtube due to life. I feel like finding time to shower and do laundry is hard. I can’t imagine having children when I can’t even make time for myself.

After spending four years in college and getting in a job in my field it’s worth it to know at least I’m busy and not jobless living off mom and dad. Just let me say how awful it is when I’m putting in all these hours and that girl from high school whose now a stripper posts a photo of her new BMW… Lucky for me my degree will last longer than my youth and ability to swing on a pole.

Mental Illness Awareness

I’m having a hard time starting this post, it’s a bit out of my comfort zone (surprisingly), it’s not something I am willing to be open about. So I’m writing this in honor of Mental Illness awareness week, which is now basically over (October 4^th-10^th).  It becomes out of my comfort zone because I am someone who suffers from mental illness. As most other people I have a history with Anxiety and Depression. To be fair, it is a pretty common illness, and not one that is unique. One reason I’m writing this, is because I’m sick of people glamorizing mental illness and carrying it around like a Prada bag.

I’ve made a post in the past about how I hate when people say things like “Omg my room is so clean because I’m so OCD!” you are not OCD… and if you are then don’t throw it around like that. You can’t use terms that seriously affect the lives of others and treat it as some word to explain why you alphabetize your cds, or color coordinate your closet.  

Ironically I was a Psychology Major; I took classes that explained a lot of these illnesses, and their inner workings. I met those who were victim to serious issues like OCD who had their lives overturned at points in their lives. OCD for example, not something I remotely struggle with, kept them in their rooms scared of germs and unable to leave their homes. People tend to see those with diseases on the mental spectrum and think it something made up for attention, or something that can be gotten over if the person who has symptoms would just “snap out of it.”

I don’t know how to explain it, but it is something I would highly recommend others to look into before making comments or assumptions about those who suffer from such issues. 

I feel there is a stigma about mental diseases because it is so misunderstood, people who don’t know what it feels like can’t possibly understand and put themselves in the shoes of others. I don’t blame people for not knowing the feeling. I do, however, feel strongly about people who judge the situation of others who are unable to control the circumstances.

During my junior year of college my fiancé encouraged me to take advantage of my Universities free counseling services. This really helped me, and I could never thank him enough for pushing me to see someone who wouldn’t judge me for what I was dealing with. I never told ANYONE about my visits to the counselor, except one good friend who was attached at my hip through college. I didn’t even tell my roommate for the longest time. I eventually got to be a bit better with opening up, and took the opportunity to tell someone in my family who I am rather close to… that backfired. I mentioned how I was seeing a counselor and had been prescribed medication for my depression (HUGE STEP). Unfortunately my openness blew up in my face. This family member said “I feel like those medications are a crutch, and people should just learn to deal with the issues.” I must respect others opinions and ignorance, but it made me want to cry, I was SOOOO hurt.

I have been able to tell my parents and they have both been very supportive, but I have refrained from sharing this information with my grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, or coworkers… until now.  I’m no longer embarrassed; I struggled hard for quite some time. My changing situations in life haven’t decreased my mental issues by any means. I wasn’t just a stressed college student, there was much more to it than that.

Days I don’t take my medicine I can feel it, I feel lost, it may be a placebo effect, but nonetheless its real to me. I’m so grateful to those who stuck by me during my struggle; my close friends, my parents, and most of all my fiancé. I don’t use my depression as a crutch, I got through school and graduated, I work two jobs, and I wake up everyday. Days get better, there are still struggles, medicine doesn’t cure everything, but it helps. I can say now that I know life is worth living, it may not always be evident, but I do what I can to stay positive.

This post may seem random to some, but I hope people take something from it. Know that everyone’s struggles are different, and we can’t judge people by their illness or what cards life has dealt them.  Some people may use these illnesses as an accessory, but know that for those who sincerely struggle wish it wasn’t happening to them.

PPPS: No one is exempt from mental illness. It can affect ANY age, race, gender, or class.